Aunt Mary Revisited

Posted by TeamCharlie on August 24, 2008 under Wags for Hope | Read the First Comment

Well yesterday was the day to drive up to Norristown and see my Aunt Mary again.  As we left we thought it wise to call ahead and make sure she was OK for visitors.  That turned out to be a good idea not only for the reason mentioned, but it also gave her something to look forward to.  I was honestly not aware how much she wanted us to visit, because this would be only the second time in some twenty years that we have seen her (the first time was just a few months ago).   We discovered that she was indeed looking forward to it as we arrived – she was waiting out in the hallway for us.  We presented her with the digital photo frame and showed her how it worked as well as some of the pictures stored on it.  She seemed to be mildly interested in that – she was much more bent on engaging us in conversation.  That’s a good thing. ( I’ve always been curious why when family gets together and people haven’t seen each other in a long time, that sooner or later the television gets turned on.)  So I totally understood and was somewhat happy that she pretty much ignored the picture frame.  Maybe she will get some solace from it when she is alone.  Due to some traffic hangups we arrived a little late – about 1:45.  We arrive after lunch as she has some form of dysphagia which means she must have all of her food pureed as she has difficulty swallowing and she would rather us not witness her eating.  After we went through some pictures we settled down to conversation which is where it seems that Aunt Mary is the happiest.  She told us about learning to swim in the Schuylkill river, which was interesting to us as we passed over it when we left.  She told us another story about my adopted cousin which I never heard, that his mother gave birth to him in a hospital where my Aunt Ann worked as a nurse.  It turned out that my cousin’s birth mother was married to a man in the military who had been recently killed in WWII.  Her father would not let her keep the baby, so my Aunt Ann adopted him.  MaryMargaret put on a bit of a show for Aunt Mary, reliving her recent participation in a local “High School Musical” play.  She seemed to enjoy that very much, as she giggled and clapped when she was done.  Mary was one of six children – the other five being boys.  She said that many nights she would put on similar shows for her family.

The conversation then turned to her experiences in the nursing home.  I visit people in nursing homes quite a bit, and the tendency is to be bitter and complain, but her recounting of her situation did not seem bitter – it was just matter-of-fact and although many of her experiences have been unpleasant I felt empathy for her as opposed to burdened by her.  She told us that sometimes men give her showers.  I had never heard or thought of that situation before.  She asked why this had to be and they explained to her that it depended on who was working the floor that day.  She also told us that the nurses have told her she is hard to handle for them because of her arthritis.  She has almost no strength herself, so it is easier (and safer I guess) for the men to do it.  I am not sure of good solution here, I just know it is an indignity that she has to suffer.  She also told us that she has to be lifted onto the commode each time she has to go to the bathroom.  Many of the orderlies are not as gentle as they should be and they hurt her sometimes.  When she tells them that they reply ” I didn’t hurt you THAT much!”  She recounted about an orderly that would dab some perfume on her which seemed to loan her some sort of individuality and grace until someone stole the perfume.  I inquired what kind it was and she purposefully did not tell me as she knew I would try to replace it.  She no longer wanted it for fear that it would be stolen again.  Eating is difficult for her as well.  Because of her condition, everything she eats must be grinded down and/or pureed.  Could you imagine that when you have lost all mobility you can’t even enjoy eating?  Just eating a roll with butter is an incredible luxury for her – sometimes her friends sneak them to her.  She knows she is taking a chance because she could choke but she does it anyway.   She told us about how she cried herself to sleep the first two weeks she was there.  She told us about her roommate that keeps her up at night – she won’t turn off her light so Mary has to wait till she falls asleep and then ask a nurse to turn it off.  She told us about how if something happens to her her house will then be sold.  She is still holding out hope that somehow, some way she will be able to return.  She told Michelle that she dreams about going home every night.  As we left her eyes teared, she told us that she loved us, that she hated to see us go and that she will miss us.

If you’ve lasted this long through this somewhat sad story my intent was not to depress you as Aunt Mary’s intent was not to burden us with this information.  I find it somewhat saddening that even a nursing home as nice as this one cannot provide any sense of contentment its residents.  I was not depressed as we left – I was encouraged to go back yet again as our little stay did provide some reprieve for her.  She told us that she got a note from my sister Maureen announcing she would be visiting from Canada in a few weeks.  She is really looking forward to that. 

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Mary was a teacher in the Pennsylvania school system for 28 years.  Think of how many lives she was a very important part of.  Think of the contributions she has made to society, as many of the other residents have.  This is why it is so important for all of us not to forget them.  We are all headed in their direction, one way or another.  We did notice a therapy dog team visiting others – a lady from Comfort Caring Canines brought in a blind Rottweiler.  We asked if she would visit my aunt when she comes in and she happily agreed.

Mary will be having her 98th birthday on September 7th.  I guess there is no real happy ending to this story – I just hope it encourages people to visit a local nursing home, whether it be with or without a therapy dog.